So you were raised strong and beautiful, groomed and trained to say no to the trousers “bad manners ” they called it. You said no no no no no to one two three four and maybe five six seven eight of them . You don’t remember. Perhaps, you even lost count. It was fun, the nos are achievements. You raised your African neck and swayed your young seductive hips past those losers happily and probably didn’t even look in their direction.
Time drives by and you start to think your teenage life is being wasted. So you pick on one of those that won’t just let you leave you in peace, One that you will do the kissing and touching practice on. He likes you but, he is not the prince charming you are looking for. He asks for meetings,vyou show up only when you are in the right mood. ” It’s gonna end anyway”, you have often reminded yourself. In about one year you have left him. No good reason, Just impulse. You need a break Yoo!
Your mind has been fed on fantasy lines of the Bronte sisters,the Word Smith’s and Shakespeares. Your envision of love is in terms of Duncy and Elizabeth, Romeo and Juliet, Everden and Troy. You have had all kinds of meals in those. Fried, boiled, roasted, frosted excetra.
That’s how you see it, when studying “far from the madding crowd”. the teacher said there are three types of love. You crammed those and Somehow after the lessons, you thought you have had experience in all of them. Infatuation, Obssesive and True love.”True love is the best, but infatuation seems fun” you tell a friend when the class adjourns. You move out of the class and excitedly narrate the mysterious story of Gabriel oak and his poor dull feelings to who ever wishes to listen and admire the overrated essence of being a literature student.
You run the school with big dictionaries and novels.You are the coolest babe dating the coolest dude (another one) He has got height, and mob talent,each time he strikes the stage with a mic, all eyes on you giving you the ‘wow’ look that you have now grown familiar with.You smile and wave to him, he smiles back .On some days, he pulls you out of the crowd and brings you to dance with him on stage. It’s True Love, you have come to think of it. It’s clear the other girls like him but he loves you. How cool is that? But that’s not what you are looking for, it’s boring, he does everything right yet you need some drama, like in the novels. Some longing, some missing, some craving, some crying,some hurting and even some dying. That’s how love is supposed to be right? It’s supposed to hurt.
You start to ignite the pain, your obsession with it is getting intense, you see him with another girl, you are sure nothing is going on, but you still act out. He sends for you to meet him at your favourite spot, you don’t show up. He sends you a letter and apologises for what he might have done wrong. He offers you a push to dorm after prep, in silence, you are still pissed at what you don’t even know. When he says goodnight and watches you disappear behind the gate, you stop and give yourself a big smile. Yes!! you have hurt him, and you have enjoyed it. You have seen his helplessness and loss of words.The gratification is real, this goes on for days until you decide to give it up. Back to normal.
Holiday time, you are still holding on to, the midnight calls, late night messages . You miss him. he says he misses you too but you are miles apart.He sings for you As I lay me down, he has even taught you the lyrics. Everything seems cool,you like the distance because it brings you closer. until Jackie pops up in your facebook inbox asking really personal questions about him. You get suspicious .You ask him, he denies it. Days later you get a phone call, she says she is his auntie and you should leave her nephew alone, he gets defensive, you listen .you listen to him. It’s your time to forgive. So you forgive but you refuse to forget because Jackie Won’t Leave you alone.You exchange bitter texts, you insult her hard and block her,but then you start to miss the fight so you unblock her and resume the fight. It’s getting up to you, it’s eating you up, he is with her not you. When you get to campus you do away with him. Wish him good luck he tries to explain but you are seeing better. He has Jackie, why should he waste your time? And boom you move on.
With another Derek, very amaible, handsome, passionate and caring, takes you for movies and dinners ,oooh!! and buys you series. Everything handled, but he is really jealousy and you love drama so you always make him jealousy.He loves you, he cares, and it’s self evident in bold ink even underlined , still he is not the right one. You want something more, some drama, now you are imagining Olivia Pope and Fitz Gerald kind of Drama. What you have is nothing compared to that, there is no hurting, no longing, no craving no possessiveness that you want to reject. You are obsessed with pain, you want to feel it etch in your skin, deep into the bone marrow.
Loving can hurt, you listen to Ed Sheeran’s X album and your favorite songs are: I see fire, runaway, bloodstream, affire love. Of course there are better songs on the album like photograph ,Tenerife sea, Only, kiss me, shirtsleeves and others. But you associate with songs that deal with pain .You attend psychology listens and they list defense mechanisms,you identify your defense mechanism. it’s Denial, and you have accepted it. You even love the fact that it’s Denial, you know the risks but you tell yourself after all It’s not displacement, projection or reaction formation.You haven’t even cared to master the others very well.
It’s been three years you have learned alot from University, you are still a dream girl ,super hot as always. Wonderful looks and very entertaining. People are always spotting but you don’t care, until you fall in love with one Svend, It’s obvious he likes you but he ain’t available. Your inbox is flooded with texts from admires but none from him. You wish every call and text message is from him. For the first time you are in Love, you are so deep in love but won’t late it show, somehow, there are obstacles, you completely understand. You become broken, you start to think of him inside out, things don’t go right.
You take a break in your Love life.
It gets lonely, very lonely but you tell yourself it’s gonna be fine. You start to sink, deeper, and deeper, you look back and reminisce what you have done. You see brokenness everywhere, the hearts you have stepped ,trampled and stumbled on. You remember what mummy said “Child, the journey to marriage has no rules but no fight leaves you the same even when you win”. Now you absolutely comprehend what she meant. Your path to seeking a dream lover hasnt left you the same but , the broken are broken, in these things, someone has to get hurt right? Just happy it ain’t you.
The texts stop coming. No one cares you are hot, they think you are in love. You have even told them so, How lucky you are? They often tell you. In the night you bite your fingers,toss and turn and toss and turn, you know how you got here. You stare at your phone ,you give him a call one two three words and you are reminded that he is still not available. You turn it off and make flash backs, you try to erase the memories but they stay stagnant, so you slide your beddings over your cold skin, you hold yourself tight, and start to sob. The wrong one loves you right.
Euphoria
Sharon Cuban
Whispers. Views. Thoughts 