Today I woke up in a moody mood. It’s never fun waking up anyway. So yeah, I am always moody in the morning. I have to forcefully push off my beddings and, the thought of that really ails me but, I do it.
It’s 6:34am . I have been waking up at this same exact time since the week started. I guess my body is now getting used to it. I think it’s cool, cause I have been trying to manage time these days .
At 7:10, I am ready for work. Am I enthused? No I am not. I just climb up to school, and as I finish the first set of stairs which I always count but often forget the number, I am greeted by the smiley face of the secretary. She is one person I have never seen sad for the time I have known her. Her jolly self is kept classy all day long. She asks if I am ready to sign in and today unlike the other days, I am ready to do the right thing. Just.
As soon as I am done, I am hit by the news that the staff room is not open. Well, there is breakfast and all but, where can I sit to have it? There is nowhere except for the chairs outside the stuff room. I am starving, my intestines are squeezed to the wall and I can’t wait to normalise them. I grab a seat and slowly take the tea.
Like on some of my days, today, I am quiet: I just don’t want to say anything. It’s not because I am mad, angry or anything but, sometimes I go mute because I am trying to contemplate a few things in myself- contained dynasty. Usually it’s a sign that something is wrong but I only realise it as the day develops.
It’s now 8:20, the staff room is still locked. Whoever has the keys is nowhere to be seen. Lessons commence at exactly 8:00am so yeah, everybody is late. I finally get the key and open the stuff room and get to my year 10 class.
Surprise! There is a new student in the class. Everybody else is in class and just from the look on their faces, they are ready to learn. Even the one who dodges most looks ready. I am thrilled…
“Today’s lesson is about ‘Writing a continuation of a story’, ” I politely introduce to the class. They are awkwardly attentive today. They are answering or at least attempting to answer every question I ask. I take them through, Tense, Tone, Pointers, and Narrative point of view. Their definitions and examples are on point. They still seem really eager to learn today. The new student knows almost everything so, I can sense that the rest are also trying to outcompete her. It’s really interesting and tensed up until I reach “language and style.’ Here, she doesn’t know much so they are really taking on the game. I am so proud and happy but before I can go further it’s time out and I have to leave the classroom.
I am free in the next period so I have to prepare myself for the next lesson. I get a sensation that something is not right. It happens on days like this. Days when I choose to cut off small talk and focus on myself. I want something. I really need something. I am hurting. I can feel it. I am not in any predicament but something seems off. So I switch to my phone. Always the solution! In situations like this, I always listen to music, but yesterday I realised my music had been deleted. All my latest Pompi and Abel chungu music was no where to be seen. I was absolutely disappointed.
I know I want something. I can feel the void within me longing and searching for an antidote. I try my obvious list but it’s not working. Today is just not the day and, that’s when it hits me. A song that my housemate usually plays and the very song a couple of dancers danced to on World of Dance season three.
I think it’s the one that will calm me down at this moment. In my head, I am convinced that the song title is “stronger ” I think mostly because I need strength so, I type in the Google space “Stronger by an American gospel artist.” I quickly scan through the results and it’s all Kelly Clarkson and other artists I have never heard of. So I try again. ”A gospel song danced to at World of dance.” A list of all songs that feature on the third season of World of Dance show up. I am disappointed because, how am I supposed to delve into over 418 songs to just get one? It’s impossible.
So I text Leez, which could have been my first option but I like to make personal efforts first. Sometimes they really work out well. In a few, she texts me back and boom. I am screaming. Yes! I scream loudly each time I am excited, I really don’t care who is listening.
The list of songs is all intriguing, I don’t know which to download first but I am sure of taking down an entire album. I have 1.17Gb of data courtesy of myself, so, I can do just about anything with it.
‘Look Up Child’ is the name of the latest album. My Vidmate is not ready to disappoint and in a few minutes, I have most of the songs. When I finally start listening, I am bewildered,flummoxed and beguiled. Mostly beguiled.
Lauren Daigle has the most beautiful voice I have listened to, this year. Each line hits me really hard but not hard enough. I want more and more of these lines. The darkness in my eyes is slowly fading, I can smell it disappear in flashes of smiles. I am liking it, loving it, and, even needing it but I can’t get enough. I am so hooked that at the moment, I feel the ecstasy that had been stolen from me whilst I slept come back and behold a brighter day unfolds. It’s time for my next class but I can’t. I can’t stop listening… I go with the music till I reach the door. I looked out the lyrics and the lines are resonating in my head. But I know I have to focus so, I do.
As I wait for lunch, “Rescue” is playing, my ears are now hurting forcing me to play the music on loud speaker. In that very minute, the dark cloud that has been veiling my eyes reveals new findings. Clearly I can think and clearly I can see.
I wasn’t sad, hurt or angry, I was missing something, the most relevant and crucial part of me. I was missing Love. Not mother’s love but Father’s love, Divine love. He and I haven’t had a chat in a long time. I have been so busy lost in my own selfishness that I forgot the only person that makes me complete and whole. I am filled with remorse and I am speechless. I try to think of what I can do to come back to him, and then, I am reminded it’s a Wednesday. It’s ‘Cell day’ and the thought of it delights me. I start to look forward to it.
Cell is amazing. The discussion today is about false prophecy. A very interesting topic. We teach each other and learn from each other. We pray and go to sleep.
I lay down to sleep but I can’t. I think of his glory and mercy and, the word ‘undeserving’ slips through my lips. I say it louder and this time, it’s more believable than the first time.
UNDESERVING.
I am reminded that without him, I am empty, I am lost, I am reduced to nothing. I break down in tears and pray, this time seeking his face more than before.
Thank you JESUS.
Long live Lauren Daigle. Long live gospel music.
Whispers. Views. Thoughts 