Read at your own Risk

I haven’t posted here in a while..my excuse is, I have been busy. Too busy for even the people I love…I really apologize.

I am mostly here today cause I want to talk about very many things.. Probably unleash what is stopping me from writing my episodes of Mama and Me.

Last week was its own crazy…I made a life changing late night phone call to some guy .. PAUSE. stop judging!! Let me explain myself small small, I was calling so I could move on, well knowing my place in his heart!!

You are still Judging, I know. Let’s skip that.

Have you ever felt so much pain and desire at the same time that it totally unsettles your belly!! Well, I got there and it was BLOODY..I liked it (Angel had told me about it in one of our late night conversations in her room, Except that hers is for holding back Susu (hihihi)I think she is crazy) so I held on to mine. Perhaps too long that it pushed me to making the phone call.. Let me brag a bit…I am so lucky to have friends that bring out the best in me…and they will always know when I am not okay..it’s like we are synchronized in a way.. Thanks my tights! Big Hugs .

This particular, friend comes to tell me, he feels like I am not fine. I lie that I am but then I am sitting with my elbows to my thighs and hands to my cheeks fumbling with my hands and fingers. I am close to crying..I don’t know what is going on. My stomach is miserable and sending SOS in vain. I insist I am okay but then I am NOT.. Being in Love is not okay.

Anyway, the phone call was a horrible decision but Ojok is to blame because he is a very supportive friend that helps me make irrational decisions in the middle of the night (hahahaha) .

We had a wrap party for season 1 of Mama and Me i got drunk, really drunk and blacked out at the wrap party (Please don’t tell my father)..but if you must tell him, also tell him that I still had the sense to climb up stairs to my room and that I remembered to lock it too. Above the music, I snored in peace until I woke up after two hours ,sober. and went back down stairs..This time, I said no alcohol. There is so much to say here but then, I have a word limit (giggles).

Let’s talk about this week. I just moved into my one bedroom apartment, it’s cozy but for a girl that has been sleeping in a hotel room for 7 months, it feels like too much space. i am still trying to get used to it. Matter of fact, i like it here. It’s a very quiet neighborhood with neighbors who mind their own business, or so i think.

It hasn’t been an easy decision to rent, let alone move to Kiwanga, it’s scary and for people who know me, they know that I have never rented all my life. I feel like it’s alot already but God is faithful.

This evening, someone asked if i was staying a lone..I told them yes and I was scared but I would get used. He said “cool, Choose feminism”.WAIT .Pause. What!!…I am not even mad but WHAT THE HELL!!!!Like Yooook!!

Anyway, I have done my best to make the place as comfortable as it can be. I bought most of the important stuff and I am so happy with what I have achieved in a few days..Thanks to Kebba and his speed!.

I had a writer’s workshop in the first days of the week, it was amazing hearing all the great ideas from the brilliant writers..The producer is an interesting guy, I would tell you about him but he is going to read this so, No.

Anyway the workshop, Clive (cute guy) asked for a staring contest, ‘I like to stare but not like this’, I told him. he and his friend Sam laughed. Because, it was a funny excuse, but then I know what I mean. After they teased me a bit, I decided to give it a try. It’s so Hard to stare Back at someone who is determined to win.. I laughed in the fifth second…Turns out, I can’t stare.. Sam and Belle tried the contest too, Belle failed..Truth is ,writer’s are shy people except this one..

I Want to tell you something else that has happened to me this year, but I am afraid i will be giving away Leverage. Otherwise what will bring you back here. chao!l!

Drowning

I am chewing a piece of fish. I have been chewing it for some time and still haven’t felt it ready to swallow. My jaws hurt as I munch slowly, carefully and steadily. It’s getting to my head. I am tired.

I look at my plate and there is still more. Around me are people eating different dishes. Till now, I hadn’t even noticed. My brother Eddie is seated right next to me. He is looking at my plate,eyes loaded with appetite. I interpret the look and put a piece of the remaining fish on his plate.

Unlike me, Eddie takes a pinch and gives it to the next person, the next person pinches and sends to the next and then to the next until everyone on the table is served. To my surprise, obviously, it’s enough for everybody. I am in shock because I thought it was too small. My face flashes with guilt.

Embarrassed, I pull out the piece in my mouth and I am puzzled to see that I have been chewing fish bones all along. I spit out a mouthful of fish bones. My dinner companions turn to look at me with accusatory looks. Their faces immediately turn to concerned ones, maybe because my own has shared the surprise. I swipe my tongue through my mouth and a motion of pain sweeps through my jaws. I stand up and leave the table.

Look, I know what you are thinking. That I am selfish and mean, blablabla. I like to think of myself differently, in the sense that I am not. I am not selfish. At least not with food. So please, don’t judge me. 😋

The other night, it was a different episode. I was at home in a garden uprooting cassava when I heard a cascading roar of a flood coming towards me. I ran so fast that it hardly missed me. It looked as though the floods were sent to me, because I was the only one running away from them. And for the entire day, I was dodging or swimming through clean floods and hot red floods. I survived.

I dream. More often than I should. My friends say they don’t dream in weeks or months. I dream every time I go to bed. I dream that I am gazing at a magnificent art piece in the clouds or that I am watching a music video in the clouds. I dream that I am in my high school classroom with university course mates. I dream that I am flying down cliffs, that I am eating Jackfruit (this is a recurring dream). That I am replaying a character in a movie I watched before bed (I am totally badass in these) . That I am in a new place. That I am in a ravaged town surrounded by debris. That I am plaiting hair. That monsters are after me. Etc

My dreams can literally be about anything, some are recurring and they make me angry. All my dreams seem to be having a particular meaning beyond my comprehension. I remember most of them while some come in random flashes and these set in distressing anxiety. It’s disturbing to know something means something and not know what that something means.

Wikipedia defines a dream as – a physiologically and psychologically conscious state that occurs during sleep and is often characterized by a rich array of endogenous sensory, motor, emotional, and other experiences.

My favorite psychologist Sigmund Freud believed dreaming was a form of wish fulfillment that reflected a dreamer’s unconscious desires. He also claimed that the manifest content of a dream, or the literal story or events of the dream, masks the latent content of the dream, or the symbolic or hidden meaning of the dream. (The Interpretation of Dreams, Sigmund Freud.)

To help interpret my dreams, I have read dream books, I have googled symbols but in most cases one symbol has three to five significances so I never tell which is which. All in all, I have never come to a meaningful interpretation. When I sit down and think of the symbolic correlation of the dreams and the time at which I have dreamed, there is no match. Which makes me wonder, does our conscious really concord with our subconscious or dreams are just ramifications of the two?. Is there a formula that can help decode these encrypted messages we call dreams?

If you are reading this, share with me. Do you dream? Do you believe dreams have meanings? Do your dreams come true? How would you interpret my dreams. What’s the weirdest dream you have dreamed ?

Help a sister because every night, I drown in a subconscious that I live through the day.

‘Seek My Face’

Today I woke up in a moody mood. It’s never fun waking up anyway. So yeah, I am always moody in the morning. I have to forcefully push off my beddings and, the thought of that really ails me but, I do it.

It’s 6:34am . I have been waking up at this same exact time since the week started. I guess my body is now getting used to it. I think it’s cool, cause I have been trying to manage time these days .

At 7:10, I am ready for work. Am I enthused? No I am not. I just climb up to school, and as I finish the first set of stairs which I always count but often forget the number, I am greeted by the smiley face of the secretary. She is one person I have never seen sad for the time I have known her. Her jolly self is kept classy all day long. She asks if I am ready to sign in and today unlike the other days, I am ready to do the right thing. Just.

As soon as I am done, I am hit by the news that the staff room is not open. Well, there is breakfast and all but, where can I sit to have it? There is nowhere except for the chairs outside the stuff room. I am starving, my intestines are squeezed to the wall and I can’t wait to normalise them. I grab a seat and slowly take the tea.

Like on some of my days, today, I am quiet: I just don’t want to say anything. It’s not because I am mad, angry or anything but, sometimes I go mute because I am trying to contemplate a few things in myself- contained dynasty. Usually it’s a sign that something is wrong but I only realise it as the day develops.

It’s now 8:20, the staff room is still locked. Whoever has the keys is nowhere to be seen. Lessons commence at exactly 8:00am so yeah, everybody is late. I finally get the key and open the stuff room and get to my year 10 class.

Surprise! There is a new student in the class. Everybody else is in class and just from the look on their faces, they are ready to learn. Even the one who dodges most looks ready. I am thrilled…

“Today’s lesson is about ‘Writing a continuation of a story’, ” I politely introduce to the class. They are awkwardly attentive today. They are answering or at least attempting to answer every question I ask. I take them through, Tense, Tone, Pointers, and Narrative point of view. Their definitions and examples are on point. They still seem really eager to learn today. The new student knows almost everything so, I can sense that the rest are also trying to outcompete her. It’s really interesting and tensed up until I reach “language and style.’ Here, she doesn’t know much so they are really taking on the game. I am so proud and happy but before I can go further it’s time out and I have to leave the classroom.

I am free in the next period so I have to prepare myself for the next lesson. I get a sensation that something is not right. It happens on days like this. Days when I choose to cut off small talk and focus on myself. I want something. I really need something. I am hurting. I can feel it. I am not in any predicament but something seems off. So I switch to my phone. Always the solution! In situations like this, I always listen to music, but yesterday I realised my music had been deleted. All my latest Pompi and Abel chungu music was no where to be seen. I was absolutely disappointed.

I know I want something. I can feel the void within me longing and searching for an antidote. I try my obvious list but it’s not working. Today is just not the day and, that’s when it hits me. A song that my housemate usually plays and the very song a couple of dancers danced to on World of Dance season three.

I think it’s the one that will calm me down at this moment. In my head, I am convinced that the song title is “stronger ” I think mostly because I need strength so, I type in the Google space “Stronger by an American gospel artist.” I quickly scan through the results and it’s all Kelly Clarkson and other artists I have never heard of. So I try again. ”A gospel song danced to at World of dance.” A list of all songs that feature on the third season of World of Dance show up. I am disappointed because, how am I supposed to delve into over 418 songs to just get one? It’s impossible.

So I text Leez, which could have been my first option but I like to make personal efforts first. Sometimes they really work out well. In a few, she texts me back and boom. I am screaming. Yes! I scream loudly each time I am excited, I really don’t care who is listening.

The list of songs is all intriguing, I don’t know which to download first but I am sure of taking down an entire album. I have 1.17Gb of data courtesy of myself, so, I can do just about anything with it.

‘Look Up Child’ is the name of the latest album. My Vidmate is not ready to disappoint and in a few minutes, I have most of the songs. When I finally start listening, I am bewildered,flummoxed and beguiled. Mostly beguiled.

Lauren Daigle has the most beautiful voice I have listened to, this year. Each line hits me really hard but not hard enough. I want more and more of these lines. The darkness in my eyes is slowly fading, I can smell it disappear in flashes of smiles. I am liking it, loving it, and, even needing it but I can’t get enough. I am so hooked that at the moment, I feel the ecstasy that had been stolen from me whilst I slept come back and behold a brighter day unfolds. It’s time for my next class but I can’t. I can’t stop listening… I go with the music till I reach the door. I looked out the lyrics and the lines are resonating in my head. But I know I have to focus so, I do.

As I wait for lunch, “Rescue” is playing, my ears are now hurting forcing me to play the music on loud speaker. In that very minute, the dark cloud that has been veiling my eyes reveals new findings. Clearly I can think and clearly I can see.

I wasn’t sad, hurt or angry, I was missing something, the most relevant and crucial part of me. I was missing Love. Not mother’s love but Father’s love, Divine love. He and I haven’t had a chat in a long time. I have been so busy lost in my own selfishness that I forgot the only person that makes me complete and whole. I am filled with remorse and I am speechless. I try to think of what I can do to come back to him, and then, I am reminded it’s a Wednesday. It’s ‘Cell day’ and the thought of it delights me. I start to look forward to it.

Cell is amazing. The discussion today is about false prophecy. A very interesting topic. We teach each other and learn from each other. We pray and go to sleep.

I lay down to sleep but I can’t. I think of his glory and mercy and, the word ‘undeserving’ slips through my lips. I say it louder and this time, it’s more believable than the first time.

UNDESERVING.

I am reminded that without him, I am empty, I am lost, I am reduced to nothing. I break down in tears and pray, this time seeking his face more than before.

Thank you JESUS.

Long live Lauren Daigle. Long live gospel music.

If you ever visit

We may come from different places around the globe, and we may have different stories about these places. Most people choose to only tell the good stories about where they come from, I am not those people, because good or bad, I can’t change where I come from. Here is what you should know about my home area if you ever visit.

I come from the Eastern part of Uganda, on the famous ridges of Mount Elgon. Naturally, it’s a beautiful place blessed with amazing physical features like Mount Elgon, which is endowed with wild life, an awesome weather, fertile soils, and great people who value culture and tradition more than anything. It is known as the Masaba/ Elgon region. It’s people are famously known for carrying out public male circumcision which initiates teenage boys into manhood.

The circumcision takes place every leap year and the process is usually accompanied with thunderous drums which are known as ‘Kadodi’. The ‘Kadodi’ drums and dance is now the most famous cultural dance in the country as people now use it on political campaigns, adverts, parties among other Celebrations. The colourfully distinct sound that instantly draws people’s attention together with the energetic ancestral dance moves, is what makes people leave whatever they are doing and follow the melodies of the drums.

I specifically come from Sironko district. It’s the forth last district towards the Kenyan boarder. My home is located in the great Sironko valley. The Sironko valley is a place surrounded by four ridges from East, West, North and South. The four ridges all come with a different effect of rain so, when they alert you about rain from a specific direction, kindly run because they know the damage it may cause. The rain also never surprises the natives because they can see it come down the ridges, this gives them ample time to remove what has been drying under the sun, put out basins and tanks to collect water or even get shelter. Going to Sironko is less than an hour from Mbale town.

Much as a taxi is licensed to carry 14 passengers, taxis to Mutufu or Budadiri (where I come from) carry excess. A seat that is meant for three passengers can carry four or five passengers. The squeezing discomfort is what you will have to bare with until you reach your final destination. When you leave the tarmac road, you will have to endure with the overwhelming dust in the dry season or the the sticky mud in the rainy season. If you are very unlucky, the car will not make it out of the mud and you may have to walk for the rest of the distance or grab a Boda boda which can throw you down anytime.

The inflation, corruption and poor service provision in most African countries have made people sharp. But people from Sironko have become Sharper. Despite the tight traffic on the roads to Sironko, the drivers have found numerous ways to dodge or bypass traffic. The cars that drive to these places are in poor mechanical conditions but they are overloaded and keep on the road 24/7. The traffic officers make all attempts to do their job but this is how some of the families survive so in the end, they can’t afford to do their Jobs Catholically as they should.

The drivers have devised means to break the road rules. The drivers have mastered the specific traffic check points on the road and even when the officers keep changing the positions, the drivers will always outsmart them. Towards the check points, the driver or conductor will ask the excess passengers to get out of the taxi, he will get them Boda bodas to ride them past the check point so that when the taxi is stopped by the traffic officer, it has the required number of passengers. The taxi will later pick them up from a safe distance and the game will go on for as many times as the check points. You will require a lot of patience and understanding to go through it all.

Alternatively, there are these big trailers that carry stones from Moroto and kapchorawa districts. These trailers work for a company known as Tororo cement. Over the years, the trailers have caused numerous accidents on this Highway. The drivers are inhumanely reckless that they will never stop for whatever reason. Traffic police never stops them because in the past years , a traffic police man stopped one of the taxis that was driving infront of a trailer and the driver in the trailer knocked down the taxi leading to loss of lives. From then, the traffic officers signed never to stop a taxi or any car once a trailer is before or after it. The taxi drivers now have made it an advantage to drive either between the trailers, after them or before them to avoid the traffic. In such situations, all your discomfort will not be solved till the end of the journey.

The conductors from these taxis never seat and if you are unlucky to seat near the exit, you will face it rough as the conductor’s whole body will be weighing down on you. It is worse during Christmas time in that, the boot will be full and passengers may have to carry their luggage on their laps. With all the commotion, you will have stuff allover you and you may have to carry other people’s stuff on your laps for the sake of their comfort and your own.

In these same taxis, there are no seats for children, most children will seat on the laps of the person they are with, if your neighbor has two or three children, it is protocol that you carry one on your laps. Complaining is not allowed, or at least people have mastered the rules so, they simply blend in. If you quarrel or complain, people will look at you, shut you up, or ask you to choose who to leave the taxi. It will be awkward and you will have to silence your mouth and comply. The number of taxis that move in this direction are also very few and run on the same rules. You can’t get out or wait for another as it maybe the same or worse.

At your final destination, you will leave the taxi suffocating from the odd smells of business men who have been moving up and down town all day or, your legs, hips, bums and shoulders will be fatigued and paralyzed from the tight squeezing against other passengers.

If you ever visit, Just comply and enjoy your visit. This is Uganda.

Happy 2019.

I bless the Lord

What’s a year without the unconditional love of Christ? I have spent the last few days appreciating my friends and family for making me have a blast this year but none of that would have been possible without the Love and faithfulness of Christ. He has done very many amazing things this year and I want to bless him and those that have brought me closer to him.

The journey to knowing Christ and understanding the word can not be done single handedly especially when you are a fresh Christian. You need people who will guide and support you into knowing and understanding the word of God. God has blessed me with uncle Pius, Stella,Amos and Leez among others,to guide me on this journey.

Stella who is our cell host is a kind hearted, brilliant and funny lady who will make you laugh even on your worst day. She is always excited and welcoming whenever we knock at her door. Stella Is a wife to Mr Pius Ococo and together they have two handsome sons, Jarel and Jeremiah. Her and Pius are an incredible couple. They are strong, courageous, and very smart. They have been my guides and directors spiritually and I bless the Lord for bringing them in my life.

Through the experiences and testimonies that they share, I have learnt to listen, trust and have faith in God . Their God given ability to translate and interpret the word is what I really admire. I wish them a fruitful 2019.

Amos our cell leader and also the school pastor is a gentle guy who makes me and Leez laugh. Every Wednesday, Amos calls to remind us there is cell. We are sometimes too busy or tired and lazy to respond on time but the reminders do a great deal on us. They push us to go for cell no matter how hard the devil weighs the weariness down on us. His efforts can’t be taken for granted. I sincerely appreciate his kind and devoted heart to win hearts for Christ . May God abundantly bless you with more life, true love and a stress free life in 2019.

I thank the almighty for blessing me with you guys because you have shaped my life in a way. I thank you for advising me, praying for me and praying with me especially over my health. Thank you for the support, and love you have shown to everyone. May we keep doing great things for the love of Christ.

It’s dreadful that we lost one of our cell members yesterday in a very tragic and mysterious way but I pray that the Almighty God strengthens and protects his lovely children and wife now and for ever.

As this year adjourns I pray for nothing else but good health, love, prosperity, kindness and favour in the coming year. The God we serve has loved us enough to give us life and everything we ask for, may we love him enough to give him Glory and praise forever.

A belated birthday to our King and a happy new year to you my dear cell members.

The most kind

They say people who are so kind are easy to take advantage of, it’s true they are, but only bad people take advantage of good people. Most of my colleagues are very kind, loving caring and the most incredible people I have worked with. They deserve to see a brighter sun in 2019.

Sam who I was retained with last year after school practice has shown nothing but passion and kindness ever since we met. He is one of those very nice and sweet guys who will show love to a total stranger. He never complains, he is never mean to anyone. You will send him 10 times a day and he will willing go.

At the beginning of this year, Sam and I graduated. I didn’t have enough money to cater for my graduation but when I talked to Sam, without resistance or skepticism he suggested that we combine the party. Even though we hadn’t known each other for long, he trusted that I would pay him back. Our graduation party was a sweet success. Brian, Stella and Amos made sure we have a good time and surely we did. I was very excited, so was he. Our loving parents were all present and we shared the blooming joy.

Sam is one person who will do anything for anyone at their time of need, he is polite and humble. Also he is one of those guys with a really nice smile. On bad days he will just sit at his desk and talk only when necessary. It’s hard to know if he is hurting because he seldom shares his pain. He often teases me about stuff but still, he is a very nice person.

I know this year has been tough on you Sam but I pray for the best in 2019. May God restore you father’s health. May he give you whatever your heart desires. Merry Christmas.

Bonnie kyagaba. As his last name suggests, Bonnie is indeed a giver. He is kind and humble and always happy. Being a movie fanatic, I am always on the hunt for new movies and cool series. Bonnie is that guy that brings me the best movies both new and old. All you have to do is send him a title and he will show up the following day with the exact movie. Even when you mistakenly mention a title, Bonnie will remember and Still bring the movie for you. He barely has time to watch the movies himself but he makes it a point to bring them for others.

Bonnie is smart, hard working and a good listener. He is friendly and nice he also has that very good smile. I love his strong ability to remember things. He will remember anything you say. Thanks for being my friend Bonnie. Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Barbra Rukundo,her last name means Love , oooh sweet Love!. She is true love. I met her at the beginning of this year, she had been employed as a teacher. Even when I had hardly spent a year in teaching, I was supposed to help her understand the Cambridge syllabus which I barely knew myself. She sat before me and listened as I explained what I had learned . She looked disturbed but I told her she could handle and in fact she did.

This year has been a blessing to me and Barbra, we have got outside school gigs which have made us survive the ‘sunny days’. Some of these gigs have had us complain and curse people but we have had each other and our friendship has grown. Together we have agreed or disagreed on things, we have spoken hope into each other and together we have learnt good and bad lessons.

Barbara is sweet, hard working and dependable. She is one person who will listen to you at anytime. We tried to learn to swim just in case we have to ‘balance the boat ‘ at one moment. She was coach’s fastest learner but she had a bad water day and got phobia. I believe she will perfect the swimming and still do great things come 2019. Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Brian Muguluma, I am still trying to find out the meaning of his last name. Brian is the busiest workmate I have. He is always so busy that I sometimes think at night, he has busy dreams.

Nevertheless, he is one of the most intriguing people. He is easy to talk to and work with (if he is around) .We organised a candidate’s dinner this year but Brian did most of the work. Busy as he is, he toiled up and down just so everything would be splendid and yeah everything went well thanks to his hard work.

This year would have been less interesting without Brian. He has offered me vital advise at free of charge. He has also taught me to be a selfless risk taker. He may always be busy but he spares little time for people around him and that makes him adorable.

His straight forwardness is what I mostly admire about him. He will tell you the truth even when it hurts. I love his brilliance and the argue to do better and be better

I know this year has been hard for you and your family but let’s pray and hope for the best in 2019. Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Most supportive 2018

You know how you see girls in groups on Facebook, twitter, Instagram, at parties and everywhere? Well, I am not that kind of girl in groups at parties and allover. Groups just don’t work for me because I grew up tomboyish. If you know me well, then you have noticed that if am not alone in my selfies, I am consistently with this one very beautiful girl. Her name is Lisa.

Lisa and I have different versions of how we met and when we met. But I trust my version of the story cause I don’t easily forget. Not that she does but… It was in first year at University, we were looking for a lecture room so ‘we met lost’ as she often puts it.

It’s approximately four years since we met,and it feels like yesterday. How fast time flows!. This year came fully fledge with a lot in stock for us. It’s very first month unveiled joy and happiness because we graduated. Obviously we sat close to each other, we smiled,we shouted, we laughed, we took pictures and made faces. It was a day filled with enthusiasm and splendor, but somewhere in the little corners of our hearts, we were filled with the nolstagia of having to stay far away from each other, with little or no communication. Nevertheless , we didn’t let our hearts get blown away with sadness. We took the opportunity not to only celebrate our success but also our friendship.

Little did we know that no such thing would happen. The following month, Lisa joined me in a school I had been teaching for over 4months. It was the best thing that happened. To finally have someone who understands me close by was amazing. We became housemates.

I don’t know what would have been different this year if Lisa hadn’t been by my side.

Around May, I was so angry at someone, very angry. I lose self control when I am angry so I called Lisa and told her I needed a drink. Even when she knows I don’t drink, she didn’t say no. On our way outside the school gate she asked me what had happened, I told her everything she understood my pain and kept quiet. In the taxi to town, I asked her how much Smirnoff was, she had no idea. She realized I was serious about the drinking thing and decided to take me for poetry. I enjoyed the show, I met old friends and the anger was quenched.

About the same time this year, I was confused, maybe so confused, being my housemate, she knows my secrets which I willing share cause a problem shared is a problem half solved. I hate that she never shares what’s bothering her with me but I can’t coax her to, I share mine because I feel better when I do.

I called her to my room which She hates because it’s me who needs help so I should go to her room. But she always comes, and I am always grateful. I slowly unleashed my problem to her as she quietly sat there and listened which makes her quite a good counsellor . Her very first question after I had finished was ‘Sharon, what are you going to do?’ I told her it was the reason she was with me at the moment. Silence filled the room as I quietly waited for her advise and as she carefully thought about my situation. After sometime, she started speaking, she told me how things would evolve if I chose to do what I was thinking I should do. I understood and we agreed that I don’t do it. Hahahaha (she will know why I have laughed at that).

I am so happy to have met you Lisa Romans, you are brilliant, bold, smart, funny and you love Christ. Thanks for being there for me this year and always, thanks for tolerating my crazy insanity which most people may not know about. It’s funny that sometimes we go for days without talking but when we finally do, we catch up on all the old stuff. Maybe we are awkward like that.(Insecure)

I can’t really thank you enough, thanks for always pushing me to do stuff, for always reminding me about my dreams and how I should chase them. Thanks for sitting on the sitting room carpet in the middle of the night letting mosquitoes bite you as you listen to my weird stories. Thanks for being a good photographer, a story writer and a tweep. Above all, thanks for being my friend. I love you and wish you the very best in 2019.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Mum and dad

To you that I am made of, I shin a light. I am the bone of your bone and fresh of your fresh. I am a remix of the two of you for if God hadn’t put you together, my existence would there no be.

Dad, you are a warrior who has fought endless battles both in poverty and in wealth and that makes you the greatest warrior I have ever known. I’m proud of each single moment you have dedicated to raise me and my siblings.

You have been our personal doctor and counsellor since childhood, even now we still run for you wise consent because we believe in your incredible power to solve problems, we believe in your strength and good character. To your God given wisdom, we shall still hold on.

What father could we ever wish for other than one who is loving, Caring and supportive? Dad, you are awesome, because you are selfless, you love those who hate you, you support them and never expect anything back because you are made of greatness.

When I was at school, I studied each day knowing I had a father who would do anything to make sure I was better, even when I lacked, I was able to hang on knowing if you had, nothing would stop you from providing whatever I needed. The knowledge of your willingness to provide taught me patience.

A father who teaches his children to love Christ is a father who has fulfilled his spiritual duty. You are that father, you introduced Christ to us, for with him you gave us direction.

2018 has been a year of blessings, with your love and support I was able to finish my bachelor’s degree at the best University in Uganda. It wasn’t an easy ride but the Lord led us through. Your prayers were a weapon that fought and shielded me through. I am humbled each day .

Mum, strong and wise woman of the East, how amazing, generous and supportive you are! Each time the phrase “Love your neighbor as you love your self ” comes up, all I think about is you. You are the strongest and most passionate person I know. Your ability to walk through battles supersedes my understanding.

Mum you have taught me how to love and support people no matter who they are. You have taught me to share even the smallest piece of things, above all you have taught me how to forgive. I love you easiness, cheerfulness and friendliness. I will remain jealous of how easy it is for you to love people regardless of how often they offend you. I try, but mum you have served as the best example in regards to human relations. You still remain passionate to those who don’t deserve, you still share and care and that makes you adorable.

This year has been very eventful and tough on our family but with your hard work and prayers we have survived. I may have not been the best daughter to you but know I love you so much. I wouldn’t be what I am today without you.

To you who have been selfless not just to your family but to the rest of the world, I shin the whole sun unto you my beloved parents. May it light each dark corner in your life. I could write a book, reciting the various amazing things you have done but that will be for some other day.

My greatest day of 2018 came with the both of you standing next to me side by side. What joy would I hold without you there by my side?

I strongly believe none of my short comings are because you failed as parents. You are great people who have given up all so I can live. whatever is wrong in my life is absolutely my responsibility.

Today I just want to express my gratitude. Thanks for educating me, thanks for loving and for supporting me and as 2019 unveils, I pray that the almighty God blesses you with more love, more joy, more smiles, more health and more years of blessings. May the sun shin brighter on you in 2019 .I love you so much

Music

“Eyes become blind

Faith become sight

And I feel alive as

I stare in your eyes…..”

Its about 10:20Am and I am listening to these really deep lines on a very dusty road to the nearest Rolex guy. Its holiday time and I am still hanging around my work place.

I know this song by heart, body and spirit and I am trying not to shout in the middle of the road. I am attentively listening to each word and slowly letting every line sink in. Its the Love Revolution Album by Abel chungu that I have chosen to listen to today. Its diverse category of melodies have been blasting my ears from the minute I stepped out of my house.

A heavy truck has just passed causing a very unnecessary turbulence to my hearing, it has not just disturbed my music but also covered me in dust. I only know this when I look at my phone. Its loaded with dust which I carefully wipe off. I close my eyes and listen.

“Same through the night

I Stay eye to eye

But I will not leave

I will be here by your side…”

I am smiling, not sure if its to the music or to my self but I am smiling.

When I open my eyes, I realise I am being watched. This tall slim guy seated outside a small retail shop is watching me, I don’t know how long he has been doing it but he is watching, his elbows are firmly placed on his thighs and he is leaning forward in my direction

Embarrassed, I look away and move on, but to walk while knowing someone is watching is the most weird feeling. It feels like you are either stepping so hard or there is some invisible hole between your feet and the ground. I am very uncomfortable so I look back to make sure the thought of being watched is not just in my head.

‘Goodness!’, I almost say it too loud. He is still watching me only that this time, he is smiling. He has this stupidly nice smile, his sparkling eyes are glued to me, his small bearded chin has dropped to cover part of his long neck. I smile back, not with my eyes or lips, just with my teeth and walk faster than I intend to until I disappear round the corner.

Music to me has been a long time Lover. Its been there for me when I am feeling low or high, even when I am feeling nothing at all. I know it means a lot to most of us but to some people more than others. Sometimes I am over blown away that I barely recognise who is around me or who is listening. Each time I plug in my Earphones, its me and the music against the world. It sounds selfish but it feels peaceful.

Though I love music, I can’t sing. Let me be a bit clear about that, I don’t have that soothing and mind blowing voice that the church choir girls or X Factor contestants have. I sound terrible when I sing. At least my colleagues have successfully made that clear to me. Amayo, runs out of the staffroom each time I try to sing. Stella always begs me to save her ears and Brian often says, half smiling half laughing.

“Madamu, Can you respect your colleagues please?” Upon which everyone laughs ,so yeah ,sometimes they really put me off but not for long. I sing no matter how terrible I sound, I just sing, not for them but for me. I know most of the song lyrics so i may not sound good but I always sing the right words.

Lately, I have been listening to Zambian gospel music. My friend Leez introduced me to it. Do i know the language? No I don’t. Good music is good music regardless of the language used and I listen to Zambian music because it is blended with English. The first song she gave me to listen to was No Rent by Pompi, I liked it cause a few words sounded like they were in ‘Gisu’ my mother tongue, and from then I have downloaded Pompi’s albums and even Abel Chungu’s.

I used to be a devoted secular song lover, apparently I don’t like the secular songs as such but I have a few artists that I still follow and a few random songs that I cant let go of. One of those artists is Ed sheeran. I will delete every secular song on my phone but no song from his two albums, the X album and the Divide album. I fell in love with his music in 2014 and it keeps getting better each time I listen. I love him for one reason, his music is relatable, its speaks of love and grief which in are the definition of life.

Second to him is Jon Bellion , his Human Condition album did a great deal on me. I loved that like so many people, he was trying to find himself. His song ‘Hand of God’ was a honest one as he clearly acknowledges that he is just a man who lusts ,gives, tries and sometimes he looses his way. Don’t we all? Being human means imperfection hovers around us all the time and the least we can do is be modest.

There is this strong connectivity that I have with music that surpasses my understanding. If only i could ‘sing’! In music I find purpose and direction, Its not just the rhymes and rhythms that I am excited about. I love the words, the profoundness of the song, be it slow or fast, I listen to the words. I will do anything just to know a great song. I download must sound tracks because they are great songs, they are selected carefully to suit the theme of the movie and that makes them really great songs.

If you think about it, most of us have chosen to follow different artists/musicians based on their ability to express our inner most thoughts and feelings . Feelings that we can’t express on our own. They range from societal moral degeneration, politics, health, family matters, faith, relationships among others. The reason we dedicate songs to each other is because these songs are embedded with the lessons, thoughts feelings and emotions that we wish to share with other people. It is vital that we take every song sent to us serious because it is delivering a message, it could be a call for help from a depressed friend or family member. We should also treat Artists with respect, for they say what we are not bold enough to say.

I believe we have different reasons why we listen to music. I listen to it because, I find pleasure ,solace, peace, motivation, fun and most importantly I learn from it. Why do you listen to music?

Sharon cuban

Ruined by fiction

So you were raised strong and beautiful, groomed and trained to say no to the trousers “bad manners ” they called it. You said no no no no no to one two three four and maybe five six seven eight of them . You don’t remember. Perhaps, you even lost count. It was fun, the nos are achievements. You raised your African neck and swayed your young seductive hips past those losers happily and probably didn’t even look in their direction.

Time drives by and you start to think your teenage life is being wasted. So you pick on one of those that won’t just let you leave you in peace, One that you will do the kissing and touching practice on. He likes you but, he is not the prince charming you are looking for. He asks for meetings,vyou show up only when you are in the right mood. ” It’s gonna end anyway”, you have often reminded yourself. In about one year you have left him. No good reason, Just impulse. You need a break Yoo!

Your mind has been fed on fantasy lines of the Bronte sisters,the Word Smith’s and Shakespeares. Your envision of love is in terms of Duncy and Elizabeth, Romeo and Juliet, Everden and Troy. You have had all kinds of meals in those. Fried, boiled, roasted, frosted excetra.

That’s how you see it, when studying “far from the madding crowd”. the teacher said there are three types of love. You crammed those and Somehow after the lessons, you thought you have had experience in all of them. Infatuation, Obssesive and True love.”True love is the best, but infatuation seems fun” you tell a friend when the class adjourns. You move out of the class and excitedly narrate the mysterious story of Gabriel oak and his poor dull feelings to who ever wishes to listen and admire the overrated essence of being a literature student.

You run the school with big dictionaries and novels.You are the coolest babe dating the coolest dude (another one) He has got height, and mob talent,each time he strikes the stage with a mic, all eyes on you giving you the ‘wow’ look that you have now grown familiar with.You smile and wave to him, he smiles back .On some days, he pulls you out of the crowd and brings you to dance with him on stage. It’s True Love, you have come to think of it. It’s clear the other girls like him but he loves you. How cool is that? But that’s not what you are looking for, it’s boring, he does everything right yet you need some drama, like in the novels. Some longing, some missing, some craving, some crying,some hurting and even some dying. That’s how love is supposed to be right? It’s supposed to hurt.

You start to ignite the pain, your obsession with it is getting intense, you see him with another girl, you are sure nothing is going on, but you still act out. He sends for you to meet him at your favourite spot, you don’t show up. He sends you a letter and apologises for what he might have done wrong. He offers you a push to dorm after prep, in silence, you are still pissed at what you don’t even know. When he says goodnight and watches you disappear behind the gate, you stop and give yourself a big smile. Yes!! you have hurt him, and you have enjoyed it. You have seen his helplessness and loss of words.The gratification is real, this goes on for days until you decide to give it up. Back to normal.

Holiday time, you are still holding on to, the midnight calls, late night messages . You miss him. he says he misses you too but you are miles apart.He sings for you As I lay me down, he has even taught you the lyrics. Everything seems cool,you like the distance because it brings you closer. until Jackie pops up in your facebook inbox asking really personal questions about him. You get suspicious .You ask him, he denies it. Days later you get a phone call, she says she is his auntie and you should leave her nephew alone, he gets defensive, you listen .you listen to him. It’s your time to forgive. So you forgive but you refuse to forget because Jackie Won’t Leave you alone.You exchange bitter texts, you insult her hard and block her,but then you start to miss the fight so you unblock her and resume the fight. It’s getting up to you, it’s eating you up, he is with her not you. When you get to campus you do away with him. Wish him good luck he tries to explain but you are seeing better. He has Jackie, why should he waste your time? And boom you move on.

With another Derek, very amaible, handsome, passionate and caring, takes you for movies and dinners ,oooh!! and buys you series. Everything handled, but he is really jealousy and you love drama so you always make him jealousy.He loves you, he cares, and it’s self evident in bold ink even underlined , still he is not the right one. You want something more, some drama, now you are imagining Olivia Pope and Fitz Gerald kind of Drama. What you have is nothing compared to that, there is no hurting, no longing, no craving no possessiveness that you want to reject. You are obsessed with pain, you want to feel it etch in your skin, deep into the bone marrow.

Loving can hurt, you listen to Ed Sheeran’s X album and your favorite songs are: I see fire, runaway, bloodstream, affire love. Of course there are better songs on the album like photograph ,Tenerife sea, Only, kiss me, shirtsleeves and others. But you associate with songs that deal with pain .You attend psychology listens and they list defense mechanisms,you identify your defense mechanism. it’s Denial, and you have accepted it. You even love the fact that it’s Denial, you know the risks but you tell yourself after all It’s not displacement, projection or reaction formation.You haven’t even cared to master the others very well.

It’s been three years you have learned alot from University, you are still a dream girl ,super hot as always. Wonderful looks and very entertaining. People are always spotting but you don’t care, until you fall in love with one Svend, It’s obvious he likes you but he ain’t available. Your inbox is flooded with texts from admires but none from him. You wish every call and text message is from him. For the first time you are in Love, you are so deep in love but won’t late it show, somehow, there are obstacles, you completely understand. You become broken, you start to think of him inside out, things don’t go right.

You take a break in your Love life.

It gets lonely, very lonely but you tell yourself it’s gonna be fine. You start to sink, deeper, and deeper, you look back and reminisce what you have done. You see brokenness everywhere, the hearts you have stepped ,trampled and stumbled on. You remember what mummy said “Child, the journey to marriage has no rules but no fight leaves you the same even when you win”. Now you absolutely comprehend what she meant. Your path to seeking a dream lover hasnt left you the same but , the broken are broken, in these things, someone has to get hurt right? Just happy it ain’t you.

The texts stop coming. No one cares you are hot, they think you are in love. You have even told them so, How lucky you are? They often tell you. In the night you bite your fingers,toss and turn and toss and turn, you know how you got here. You stare at your phone ,you give him a call one two three words and you are reminded that he is still not available. You turn it off and make flash backs, you try to erase the memories but they stay stagnant, so you slide your beddings over your cold skin, you hold yourself tight, and start to sob. The wrong one loves you right.

Euphoria

Sharon Cuban